Tuesday, July 21



haha!!! i've tricked you, haven't i, you stupid bastards... you thought with all the capital letters and the nice happy wording that i'd finally lost my mind, didn't you? well... yer partially right... over the last month i've been in and out of the brig and various lockups, as strange, terrible things have been happening.

you'll recall that i was getting nice. well, that is a big fucking problem. i'm not a nice person, i am a terrible person. i'm appetitive, i'm unpleasant, i'm unhygienic and i'm violent. for some reason, though, over the last month, everything i did somehow became kind good and pleasant. naturally, everyone i know is too stupid to see that something was causing this... they just assumed i was in a good mood... little do they know that my good moods don't just happen... they are a myth.

so i began approaching this phenomenon in a scientific way... one day i'd be cruel to someone, and see what happened. the next, i'd be 'nice' and see what happened. i wrote down all my results and compared... apparently, there was no connection. being kind of cruel was irrelevant. people just reacted as if they were experiencing something else entirely... almost as if they weren't even speaking with me, but listening to another version of myself, even though i didn't see that one.

i became suspicious... one possible explanation was that there was someone invisible (to me but visible to everyone else), always standing in front of me, waving his hands and trying to confuse shit. but i don't but that... that is a stupid idea.

by process of elimination and guessing i came to the conclusion that there must be another version of me, who was kind and got along with everyone. let's call him the happyspaceman. this happyspaceman exists in another version of our universe. let's call it the per-verse. somehow, the per-verse happyspaceman has been interacting with people from my-verse... i am getting credit for his good deeds.

this has to stop. this weasel is ruining my good name.

so i began setting little scenarios for him, and seeing if he responded. apparently, he has the ability to fix whatever fuckup i might have. clever little bastard.

incidentally, the cause for all this... those fucking interdimensional glory holes... all the effluent and fluids from the hole-stuffing and cock-sucking seems to have gummed up the quantum interstices of our universe, thus making them stick together and bleed into each other.

so happyspaceman needed to be destroyed. i set a perfect trap for him... you see, two days ago was the cute little galactopus girl's birthday. apparently, he and she have become quite a little power couple around the station. everyone seems to love them. now, i have certainly been enjoying the fruits of this relationship, but it is beginning to cramp my style, so it's time to break up... she is too fucking nice and sweet and pretty for me anyway... i need someone dirtier and drunker.

so, summoning the few monads of willpower i have, i managed to completely avoid her during her birthday. no cake, no presents, no card, nothing. i didn't even say happy birthday. ignored it totally. this made her break up with me, which naturally means she had to break up with happyspaceman.

happyspaceman, being distraught (and still being me) will seek some solace in the most common place... the interdimensional glory holes. so while i/he is in there, it's time to do my job... after all, i'm a fucking janitor aren't i?

he/i send tons of cleaning solution directly into the holes, and i bribe the station manager to look the other way while i cut the power, leaving all that bleach and de-jizzer stuck between the universes. this unsticks em, so that fucker is finally gone. who knew... jizzmopping saved the universe.

there was a slight side effect, though... well... there were an awful lot of people using those holes that evening. and for anyone who happened to be penetrating it... as it closed, their member remained on the other side... which is good, as you can sell genitals on the black market for a lot of money... i already have skip and flapjack zipping about collecting them for me... even the ones that remained lodged in someone's behind.

maybe i am cheering up... i can see opportunity in tragedy, providing it is someone else's tragedy...

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