Tuesday, November 8

doing it in the missionary position... part nine

my immediate thoughts were to ditch dippy, grab pokey and run like fuck.

so i did.

 unfortunately, dippy had the same idea.

so the both of us ran head first into each other and fell on the floor.

pleasantries were exchanged. we shook hands and decided to stick the original plan. we sent pokey to the door to scout. he gave us the all-clear beep (i assume... all his fucking beeps sound exactly the same).

and out we went.

darkness on a semi-disabled cruiser that's probably hiding in some asteroid field in a remote, unsavory region of spacetime is not like darkness you have at home. it's not stumbling-around-looking-for-your-shoes dark, or too-lazy-to-turn-the-light-on-when-you-have-to-piss-at-3am-so-you-keep-it-off-and-soak-your-roommate-and-all-his-plush-galactopus-dolls-with-urine dark.

it's being-5-years-old-and-afraid-of-the-dark dark. and it's fucking scary.

'oh, angry spaceman', i hear you whine... 'afraid of a little darkness? eh? some monster gonna attack you? some 'hole troll going to drag you into its limbo dimension, there to wait for eternity until he decides to have his meal with? what's going to happen? what kind of coward are you?'

a giant coward. that's what kind. now go fuck yourself and let me finish.

the hallway was dark.
the next hallway was dark.
the doorways were dark.
the rooms they framed were dark as well.
hell, the only reason we could see pokey was from the glowing of the various fluids that had built up and stained his driller. we made quite a triptych... a fucked-out drill bot, a starclown, and your hero... this is the stuff adventures are made of, i suppose.

somehow, when you are having an adventure, it's not nearly as fun as when you are lying about it at zargle's gargles with a nice whiskey suit on.

ol' pokey seemed to know his way around pretty good. we kept to the center of the hallways, figuring that typical rules of power outages on vessels are to keep your right hand on a wall at all times... that way you won't get too lost and will know what direction you are going. so with the pirates skulking along the walls of their ship, we promenaded bravely down the middle of the corridors, not a care in the world, except for being caught and tortured.

occasionally we'd hear them, rustling past. they were really calm, which was a bit troubling. if das orbit had gone dark, i'd be running all over the place taking back what was wrongfully mine. these guys seemed to have their act together. odd. very odd.
no alarms.
no klaxons.
no thing.
nothing.

just calm hurrying from place to place. i didn't even hear anyone mention us.

well... let's keep going then. no point in worrying about what you don't understand. pokey winded us  back and forth through the hallways, without incident, until finally we rounded one corner into blindingly bright illumination.

at first, i thought that pokey had gone drill-first into another electrical cable, getting his electric rape one. i had noticed that during this journey, he sometimes would veer towards the walls... his driller like a divining rod, searching fields of electrosexual potential.

he had not found another cable.

he found the 'hole room.

the power was still on. this was all very very good. once our eyes adjusted to the light, we started formulating a plan.

dippy had the idea that we could just go in there and overpower them. fisticuffs, the ol' one-two-sucker punch,  knuckle sandwich et cetera.

'fucking starclown.' that shut him up good. yet once again, the onus on yours truly to save the day.

peeking around the corner, i could see that there were 5 pirates, milling around. they seemed calm. some played cards. the others just picked their teeth.

they had no idea the ship was out of power.

why would they? their system was redundant. they had a redundant electrical system. the wiring of their section of the ship was not part of the other wiring, so that means they had a system that was independent. no problem in the other system would effect their system because the two systems weren't connected. redundancy was built in to their system.

i could go on, but i think i hear you reaching for your gun.

this plan of mine, which i take sole credit for, was really working out.

so we had the element of surprise. fist yes! but there were two of us and at least five of them.

wait a minute... there aren't two of us. there are three of us.

two of us are cowards with little ability to fight hardened space pirates, who live their lives day-to-day, fighting the law and each other in equal measures, just being manly and space and piratelike and such.

but one of us is a drilling, fucking, squirting, banging, boring, penetrating, crushing, raping machine. and he doesn't feel a damn thing through his thick metal hide.

ol' pokey... you've got a job to do, friend.

i explained to the two of them that what we'd do is sit back and sic pokester on 'em. he go into a kind of electrosexual overdrive and brutally murder everyone in that room. then we walk in like heroes... bam... we're gloryholing it back to das orbit and having drinks at zargle's with the gang talking about how cool we were on this adventure which was totally fantastic and not at all the most terrifying time of my life.

i looked at pokeyfracking fluid dripped out of his driller. poor pokey... barely any contact with people for so long after he'd been abandoned on that asteroid, and i was about to ask him to do something pretty fucking horrible. it broke my heart to make him do this.
well... almost broke my heart.
actually... i just needed to pretend like it did.

'pokey... we need your help. i know what you like. you like the cold hard push back of granite. the icy frisson when your member touches steel. you love the spray of gravel on your chassis and the jolt of volts that hit you like lightning from tip to toe to head and back again. that's not what your going to find in there. i can't lie to you. you are going to find soft, malleable, squishy, juicy, oozy flesh. it won't be the spray of finely crushed rock in your face, it'll be blood. or bone. your partners won't yield under pressure. they'll disintegrate. but that's what i need you to do. i need you to go in there and fuck every moving thing until it's dead. i don't care how you do it. i know it's not going to be easy. but you gotta do this for me. for us. get in there. put on your most mangling, weird looking drill-bit, and don't stop until the place is covered in blood.

if you do this for me, i promise you... PROMISE you... that once we get home, you'll be able to bang any thing you want. you'll never be alone again. you'll live with me. i've got lots of robot friends and alien friends who love to play and skip and whatever the hell it is you want them to do. just kill those motherfuckers and let's go home, ok?'

pokey looked up at me, retracted his driller. sat for a few moments and it re-emerged with the most disturbing piece of medical equipment i've ever seen. it looked like it was used to birth and immediately murder some kind of seven headed monster with an unusually thick skull.

 he pulsed it a few times, hitting 5000 rpm.

yikes...

this was going to be good.

pokey approached the corner and hid his bit. he rolled out of view. dippy and i sat right up against the corner, but didn't turn our heads. in a few moments, we heard...
'hey little bot... how you doing?'
then pokey pulled out his driller.

if you think that scene of electric rape was terrible, this is way worse. the sound of meat being liquified. screams ending way before they should have. the constant pitter patter of blood falling on the floor and ceiling. and the constant merciless whine of ol' pokeys love machine, drilling its way home for all of us.

i couldn't bare to look. so i made dippy do it. by shoving his head around the corner. he pulled back immediately, face red and dripping.

eventually the whining stopped. there were no sounds. then a single beep. that was the all clear.

we rounded the corner.

it looked like flapjack had shat red paint all over the walls. there were no human remains anywhere. just liquified pirate.

mission accomplished!

dippy found the controls for the 'hole and set it to das orbit. i found a rag to wipe down pokey. i looked around for some swag. there wasn't anything really. some crates that i couldn't move by myself, that rang hollow anyway.

there was one small box, with a bizarre symbol on it i hadn't seen before. i could put it under my arm. i did.

the 'hole was open. we walked up the stairs. it was time to go home.

i stepped through.

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