another shocking twist and i am going to kill myself

flapjack and skip were staring at me...
the kind of stare you'd give someone if, after having the left the room thirty seconds ago, they returned, acting as if they hadn't seen you in years.

that wasn't really too shocking. seeing as that was exactly what i just did to them.

fuck me.
i hate alt.space travel.



what's alt.space?
don't they teach you anything in those fucking learn-o-pods anymore?
the kids these days...

alt.space is any space that you're pretty sure you don't belong in.

so alt.space travel is traveling to one of those places.

so why would you feel you don't belong there? because traveling to it violates your apperception of universal integrity....

so what the fuck does that mean?

here comes the history lesson...

in the beginning, man made a decision...
that decision turned out to be a bad one.
he was unhappy with the ramifications of his shitty decision and instead of trying to fix the problems he had just created, he first denied any wrongdoing, then began to pine for a place he could run away to where his particular stupidity hadn't yet manifested itself.

in essence, he wanted an alternate space to exist.
that alt.space

(get it, it's a contraction of alternate and space... alternate...space...alternatespace...alterspace....alt.space! see, it's so simple)

could be one where he can stop himself from making said shitty decision, hence traveling back in time
or it could be a place where that decision never manifested, so the same time, but a do-over, a mulligan.

the problem here is that, regardless of whether the man travels in time or to a parallel space, he'll have this nagging feeling that something isn't right.

with time travel, we deal with the familiar time-travel paradoxes that are so prevalent in the primitive literature of the ancients.

no matter how well-intentioned you are, disaster awaits. want to kill some dictator whose gonna ruin a lot of fun for a lot of people... oops... turns out you killed the guy that made the dictator less of a cunt, so now his reign of terror was even worse than it would have been.

wanting to get a leg up on robo-derby, so you go to the future and get the results, then go home and bet it all... oops... looks like you accidentally landed your time-travel vessel on the owner of the robo-derby, so now you are in prison and poor to boot... how ironic!

and, of course, the absolute horror of having sex with one of your progenitors and inadvertently siring yourself. no greater sin can be committed, apparently.


and with parallel universe travel, you'll either fuck up the new place, or your shitty decisions will follow you through whatever rift in the fabric of the universe you opened up and ruin everything all over again.

and if neither of those cases comes to pass, here's the other reality... if you fucked up your planet, chances are the people on the identical planet to yours, fucked it up in an identical way.

so.... all that thinking we just did about the potential problems of traveling to different times and different universes and dimensions and so on... those thoughts arise precisely because our apperception of universal integrity is being fingered in the bottom.

we know something is wrong, we can't wrap our heads around it. we feel like we're pulling one over on the universe.

good fucking luck.

the universe... much like the mythological honey badger of our early terran days, does not give a shit.

at best, it's an insensate idiot: blind, dumb, deaf, and uncaring... if you want to travel back in time and fuck your own grandmother, that's your business.
if you kill your grandfather in the process and somehow prevent yourself from being born, that is your problem. tell it to your therapist. or ask philip j. fry how it feels.

but the universe doesn't care whether you see a problem with it happening and will continue to operate with you being your own dead grandfather. you will also continue to operate being your own dead grandfather, but every day, you will be completely confused and eventually you will lose your mind.

that's that apperception of universal integrity.

paradox exists only in your head. it's you unable to reconcile what is happening right in front of you, with what your somewhat feeble mind is neurologically capable of processing. your seven billion billion billion atoms will keep doing their thing, oblivious to the fact that you ought to be dead.

get over it. once you do, life becomes much more tolerable.

oh look... apparently i'm walking through the door. hooray!

let's see if i can follow my own advice