Wednesday, September 19

the plot gets significantly more confusing

how many of these stupid stories have begun with some grand pronouncement on the nature of the universe? sweeping proclamations, where i impart various wisdoms to you, gentle readers and readerettes, that i have learned through my struggles and tragedies, so elegantly written down, diarized, journalled, hyperlinked and blogged. then, seduced by my glorious pen, you lap it up, thirsty for more of my sophos, knowing that a man of my integrity, experience, and wit, must surely have more grist for your little brain-mills. then i turn it all around, and give you some pithy, obscene slap-in-the-face, bringing you back to where you belong.

well... fuck you. i don't got no pith for you today. i'm out of pith. i pithed it all out yesterday mostly on that fucking pervert in the raincoat, then the last few tinkles on spajjy. if you need pith, go pith yourthelf.


Wednesday, September 5

kids: meet blobbo. blobbo has to die...

the surest way to get into jail is to be part of a particular species that isn't particularly appreciated in your particular locale. committing a crime can be particularly helpful too, but isn't particularly necessary. just being hated usually does the trick.

but here i am: i thought i was hated, despised, unpleasant to all, but i can't get thrown into the brig. what did i do right? why am i being rewarded? why does god love me?

what won't anyone hate me?

right, well... if i can't get in on my own, i'll have to get in on somebody else's own. time to find a fat alien of less-than-noble birth.

Tuesday, September 4

how to (fail) to go to jail

there were three issues that needed the immediate attention of my (let's just come out and say it... impressive-formidable-terrifying-in-the-odysseus-sense-of-the-word-bordering-on-godlike-but-not-too-omnipotent-lets-just-say-its-like-a-very-powerful-computer-that's-a-little-obsolete) intellect.

1) i had to procure a large amount of liquids, preferably of a pleasant, yet toxic and volatile nature, to help rehydrate spajjy once i found him. then i had to conceal said liquids.

2) i had to get myself chucked into the brig.

3) i had to get us out.

apparently the trick to solving problems is to break the problem into smaller and smaller problems.

the first problem i had was that i didn't want to deal with this, so i went to zog's shop (since i'd spent so much fucking time at zargle's i needed a break) and bought myself the shittest, largest barrel of starshine i could find.