doing it in the missionary position... part seven

'dippy... you terrible cunt. you magnificent loser. your fabulous shit. you are a reprobate and a liar. how i've misjudged you!'

i leapt across the table and gave him a huge hug. pokey was getting excited too, ejaculating some kind of fracking fluid onto dippy's boots.

'yes yes... fuck off, then. here's the deal: you remember i went to prison, right?' he asked, clearly not expecting an answer. i interrupted...

'of course i do, dippy darling! i sent you there,' i cheerfully replied.

'... well, as you might imagine, prison life and i didn't quite get along. so i made deals.

'i bet you did. sexy deals, right? were they sexy deals? i bet they were sexy deals!'


'they were not sexy deals. let me finish. the pirates always keep a couple of guys on the inside, to keep track of what's going on outside... missing stashes of swag, drugs, guns, aborted plans, schemes, whatever, belonging to someone locked up... maybe they got pinched before they could get their money. maybe their partner fucked 'em over and stole it all, turning them in.'

'heavens... who would turn someone in to the authorities? what a scoundrel!' this was getting to be some fun.

'they have their inside guys contact their outside guys, and so on...  i remembered your little angry one scam and had heard of the missionary project. this would be prime plundering for the pirates. and it would really piss you off, having your cash stream dry up. i knew you'd be too much of a cowardly shit to come out here and confront them, so i pinched skip. i figured that'd be your incentive to come out and deal with the pirates. you'd want to save him.'

'dastardly... brilliant... you magnificent bastard.. blahblahblahyoufucking cunt.  i'm not here because you stole skip though. i'm here because my cunting missionaries took their job too seriously and stuffed the chief's mummified mother up his ass... not because of your stupid fucking plan. and where is my god damn robot you little fucktard? god damn starclowns all the fucking same. you promised me my robot and i want to see my robot now or i will scream my fucking head off and get those pirates in here and tell them you double-crossed 'em.'

pokey treaded over to me and engaged in some frottage with my calf. he left a little damn spot that spread towards my ankle.

'shut it jackass. i'm getting there. i'm in as much trouble as you are with this whole mother up the ass thing. they blame me too since i got the pirates to tangle with the missionaries. they went straight to the missionaries to deal for you. i'm cut out of this whole situation.'

'so why am i in here with you?'

'i told them we had unfinished business to attend to. pirates like that kind of fake strong guy bullshit talk. so...'

'so what?' i looked at him.
'so what are we going to do? we're fucked.'
'nope. you're fucked. for all i know, the chief hated his mother and enjoys things stuffed up his ass and he wants to thank me for making his life to pleasant.'
'fine. but you won't see your robot again.'

damn...

'ok. so what is their plan, exactly?' dippy should have known something. hopefully.
'no clue.'
'do you know your way around this place?'
'nope.'
'any guys on their side you can rely on?'
'not a one'
we stared at each other across the table.
'we're going to have to work together. aren't we?'
'yup.'

pokey beeped excitedly and shot a spray of lubricant that hit both of us in the face.

'damn you, dippy.'
 'fuck you, janitor'