Friday, March 27

flapjack, a simple soul

as i've mentioned before, i work a pretty menial job. it's thoroughly unfulfilling, as you can imagine. on top of the misery of mopping vomit and surviving by stealing stupid tourists fancy crap, i have an idiot partner. his name is flapjack, he is seven foot six, 400 pounds and dumb as fuck. he is also an alien.

see, a few years ago, in massively failed attempt at getting the races of the universe, who by the laws of evolution hate each other, to get along, a particularly misguided piece of legislation was passed. any installation, ship, mine, dump, asteroid, whatever, that dealt in
inter-species commerce had to have a representation from every species involved. Naturally, politicians thought this would encourage the best and brightest to spread throughout the galaxy, acting as ambassadors of good will and creating a utopia where we all got along in cosmic harmony.

what actually happened was the opposite. each civilization, desperately trying to one-up each other, used this as an opportunity to rid themselves of undesirables. so idiot children of the wealthy, political instigators, ant-social types, writers, were all deported to the interstices of space. that's not why i am here, as nobody cares enough to want or not want me. but that is why flapjack is here.

I know flapjack's real name, but i won't tell you. suffice to say, he is the first son, a very stupid, very big, very ugly first son of an immensely powerful owner of an shipping firm. very big. you've seen their name when you're backed up in traffic.

at first, flapjacks dad was so happy. an oversize, hyper masculine son... perfect for the kind of rich, beautiful people who seem to run the world. within a few years, though. it was pretty clear flapjack wasn't an exemplary version of his race: he quickly outgrew all the other kids, and was so stupid, that he would get confused while sitting in his chair at school and start crying. nobody wanted him

flapjack's pops decided that, since his kid was so fucking big, no one would question the fact that he was barely pubescent: so he set up a bank account, packed a suitcase, drugged his son and chucked him on a transport, last-class, to this piece of shit.

that is where i inherited him. i figured out who he was as his dad left a photo in flapjacks bag. and really, if you take a look,. the resemblance is stunning. i can see why the old man got rid of him...

i've decided i am going to blackmail his dad... flapjack is nice enough, but that piece of shit father of his should pay.

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