Monday, February 28

doing it in the missionary position... part two

fuck me roughly with a laser truncheon... i wish i had thought of this missionary thing years ago. it's awesome. idiots come into the shack, i abuse them, they pay up, then they fuck right off to the far reaches of the galaxy, telling everyone how fantastic i am. it's paradise. and the best... the absolute starfucking best part of this whole thing is that they now send money and swag from all over, right back to hangar 23. it's fantastic. it's really helped take some of the sting away what with old skip being gone...

oh yea... skip.

i miss that stupid little robot.

so... we hashed out the first contact protocols for the missionaries before they flew the hangar. all this crap about not interfering with indigenous people and their ways and culture and whatnot can go fuck itself... primitive people (as some one once said) are stupid. if they can't respect themselves enough to get a simple fusion reactor going, install some gloryholes, or even get off their shitty little rock long enough to get drunk and lose their money on one of our many fine space stations, then fuck 'em. they'll get what the deserve.

it's this little monologue that actually forms the basis of the missionaries first meeting. the idea is to overwhelm the primitives with abuse and hate, to stun them. our missionaries are trained to find the thing that the locals would find most dear to them, most sacred, inviolate, pure and holy. what do they love? what do they venerate? what little tchotchke do they idolize?

once they find it, they tear it a new asshole.

for example... if they have a little statue or something that represent their dead grandma or god... we'll make damn sure something deeply perverse and possibly illegal happens to it.

i'm talking insertion

anal insertion.

in the butt.

perhaps they have a sacred text... our boys (and girls and eunuchs and hermos) will take turns reading it in stupid voices, while acting out the more ridiculous scenes.

then they'll tear out the pages and perform insertion.

anal insertion.

in the butt.

actually, pretty much anything we can do to these soon-to-be-receivers-of-the-holy-word ends with insertion

anal insertion.

in the butt.

because it, as an act, symbolizes precisely what we want the primitives to think. that we have absolutely no respect for their existing culture, they are stupid and worthless, and how could they possibly have lived so long without us.

now it doesn't really matter if they are primitive or not. most of the time, we're landing on totally up-to-date planets, mainly in the suburbs, where people are pretty bored. they like the abuse, because, secretly, it's what they've always thought. that they are worthless and deserving of nothing.

all we do is help bring those thoughts to life.

so once they've gotten their induction angry, the missionaries pretend to be friends, offering a few comforts, telling them how they are making great spiritual strides.

then they lay it on twice as thick and three times as long. this doesn't involve insertion.

anal insertion.

in the butt.

so it's been going pretty well... we've been getting tons of swag, and enrollment is up. we may have to start inventing more hoops for people to go through... i'm thinking of telling people they have a soul now... but the soul is kinda fucked up, or polluted, or something and only the reception of more hatred and anger will clear it up.

it would appear, however, that there is a downside to some of this missionary business. not for me, mind you, but for the missionaries. some of them may be a little too zealous in their desire to share the word of the angry one, and may... possibly... kind of... oopsy... floated into some territory they oughtn't have floated in.

or maybe their comms are down. whatever...

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