doing it in the missionary position... part three

i'm trying to figure out exactly how this is my fault. first off, they sailed on their own ship. they used their own funds to stock it. all i did was provide inspiration. in fact, i'm pretty sure that from a legal point of view the 'evidence' (fancy legal term) that i berated them and told them how stupid an idea it was may 'indemnify' me (more legal terms). and besides... look at it from the pirates point of view... some rich assholes show up in a fancy ship, berating them, telling them everything they've ever known as wrong and how stupid they are for believing it. what the fuck would you do?

i'd take 'em hostage too
so word comes back a few days ago that one of these missionary ships has been taken over by pirates. i know what you're thinking... ooh... angryspaceman... you must love pirates. they are like totally what you'd always wanted to be when you grew up, but you are too big a coward and loser and weakling to actually go out and be a pirate so you stick around on that shitty space station, 'stealing' trash from under the gratings and yelling at people for money.

fuck you. but yea, you are right.

to the extent that i have any respect for anything, pirates are pretty ok in my book. sometimes when i get drunk by my self, i clamber aboard whatever cruiser is in hangar 23, hang off the bow and shoot wildly with a pistol at whoever comes in.

and sometimes i think about becoming a pirate too.

so this whole situation is a bit weird. one the one hand... i really hate it when someone takes something from me. and on the other hand, i don't want any responsibility for any of this.

the easiest thing to do would be to close the shack of beration. disavow any knowledge of said missionaries, throw the documents down the trash chutes, hide the money, and pretend none of this ever happened.

which is precisely what i did. hid the shack, hid the cash, burned the evidence and life went on its merry fucking way.

this lasted for a day and a half. apparently, these missionaries are tough little confections. and, it turns out, they weren't as keen on the whole shack of beration thing as i suspected.

remember how i told you these were a bunch of rich idiots, who wanted to spread the word. well... i was definitely spot on with the rich part. the idiot part, however, i may have been slightly mislead on. in fact, i'm gonna say it.. the idiot in this situation may in fact have been me.

not may, actually. and idiot is too weak a word. how about flapjack. i was a flapjack. even flapjack saw my flapjackedness and made fun of me. a bad day for your hero.

i figured i could avoid contact with any returning missionaries by not letting them dock at hangar 23. easy enough... i deny ships all the time. besides, this is the shitty part of the station... they don't wanna let their beautiful ships anywhere near scum like us. so they end up docking elsewhere, and what with how confusing it is to navigate around the station when somebody pays a certain station engineer to sabotage the internal visitor navigation system and make it look like hangar 23 is in fact the morgue, i didn't really expect too many visitors.

surprise surprise. if you have money, you can bribe your way into any part of the station and find any janitor who is trying to hide from you because he isn't helping out your friends that he sent out to the reaches of the shitiverse.

'unhand me, gray-beard loons!' i shouted
eftsoons his hand did not drop he. actually, they threw me up against a crate and roughed me a up a bit. flapjack watched with indifference, eating and entire crate of space-dust free space-monkey jerky. what, i wondered, had happened so spajjy, mal-aka, skip (tear), zargle, zog, wiggins, longshanks, cute little galactopus girl, cosmoose, shitzilla... all of my friends who had always supported me, now abandoned me in my time of need. to be torn apart at the hands of these savages, these buffoons who thought i was some sort of messiah.

my friends, my friends. why have you forsaken me?!?!?

apparently i said all that aloud because i got a stronger knock to the head and fell unconscious.