Friday, May 8

fucked by the fickle (robotic) finger of fate

so, as you know, cosmoose cooked me dinner the other day, which consisted of space monkey five ways. apparently, shitzilla somehow got wind of this and is now super pissed off, what with us eating one of his cousins.

bit hypocritical if you ask me, since i've been with him while he personally ate a dozen soft-boned space monkeys in one sitting. he'll get over it.

anyway, i needed to get away from all the crazy. i decided to spend the day sitting on one of the greenhouse levels, drinking fresh booze and huffing fresh air. i did so. it was lovely, for a while

i had just picked some fresh weirdfruit and was chowing down when who should walk by, but cosmoose.

one thing you should know about his kind is that weirdfruit is to them like cocaine to a intergalactic financier... pure fucking poison. they'll do anything for it - fuck their mom, kill their mom, in whatever order you say. the poor bastards will just eat and eat and eat until their face fucking melts right off...

it's a pretty awesome scene. and here we were, cosmoose stopping dead in his hooved tracks, staring at my right hand, which was dripping, like some postcoital teenager, with weirdfruit juice.

everything went into slowmotion: i saw his antlered, knobby head slowly move forward towards me, eyes locked on my fingers. i tried to move, but in in slo-mo, he was too fucking fast. the bastard clamped down straight on my middle finger and severed the fucker. ow... fucking ow!

he would have eaten my entire fucking arm (and i would have bled to death) if i hadn't chucked the fruit in his beady little eyes and ran like the wind straight to the robodocs.

who promptly filled in my stump with a robotic finger. which doesn't work too well. for some reason, it just jumps out, straight on its own, amusingly giving strangers the finger...

in all, i'm quite pleased with it.

No comments:

Post a Comment

what the fuck is your problem?