our perverted natures will always find a way

from time immemorial, all living beings have had two desires - teleportation and gloryholes.
the first, the instantaneous, secure travel between any two points in the (or any) universe, is easily understood.
the second, the wish to stick their reproductive organs into holes in bathroom stalls in the hopes that someone will pleasure them is also simple to understand.

back in the 21st century, the cosmogalactic hologram and holograph company (also known as ch&h), started doing research into faster and faster ways of sending messages. fast-forward a bit and bam... we've got a intergalactic holocommunications firm who gets a cred every time you zip a bit of data anywhere to anywhere.

not settled on this fact, the old ch&h apparently had been figuring out ways to create little teleportation junctions: fixed points where objects up to a certain size could be transferred between planets. it wasn't particularly cheap, but it was fast and safer entrusting them to some drunk star-trucker, who'd probably sell the cargo for whores and liquor.

the portal points floundered for a while, only really used by rich kids who needed to get things immediately from their rich parents from halfway across the universe where they went to college to find themselves.

these were a not a big success. and the company was bankrupt, with the clerks all about to lose their jobs. nobody wanted to buy the firm.

one day, though, a night shift clerk named m. hiller, bored out of his mind and depressed at the prospect of finding another job where he could get away with doing nothing, decided to stick random body parts through the portal and what do you suspect was the first thing he pushed through? yea... you got it...


well, in case you didn't, it was his cock.

for some reason, call it synchronicity, an equally bored late night portal clerk was actually doing some work, laser-stapling receipts together. he liked the hum of the portal, and so had his head near it, while unhappily working away. what do you think happened? yea... you got it...

well, in case you didn't get it, upon seeing m. hiller's cock come through the portal, he mistook it for an alien and shredded it to pieces with the laser-stapler.

screams do not come through the portal... you need a little speaker for that.

a few weeks later, m. hiller, now with mangled genitals and lying in a hospital recuperating, had a brilliant idea.

actually, it wasn't that brilliant, it's the idea he should have had before he went and started sticking his dick through random holes. he decided to call up the other clerk, with whom he had struck up a friendship, and told him they could probably make a lot of money off of this, if they got people to pay to stick their various bits up to the portal and see what happened. on the first night, they made enough money to buy the company.

this is how they became the wealthiest men in the galaxy. their gloryholes became the biggest cash cows. all sorts of aliens lined up, just to have a stab at them. they continue to earn more money than any other firm, regardless of economic conditions, war, famine, plague, whatever...

they expanded, and installed unmanned glory holes in bathrooms all over the galaxy that work on the honor system. apparently, they work quite well, because people have their fun, then usually pay up. go figure...

so what does all this have to do with me?

nothing, except that trying to break open the payment box near the glory hole in the bathroom by hangar 23 is really difficult when an alien cock keeps bashing you in the forehead.