Wednesday, April 29

who will defend the space monkey?

yet another of the myriad joys we experience here on the shithole is the complete lack of fresh oxygen. while it's true, we're a bit beyond the old 'lime-in-a-bucket' days of yore, it's still the same basic principles... gotta keep as much co2 out of circulation as possible. now i think they might all pump it to the fucking farm-levels or whatever... anyway, not my problem.

what becomes my problem is that, while removing the co2, we are still, basically, sitting in a gigantic, dirty, cold, metal box, that gets no natural sunlight (as we all know the best disinfectant), no fresh air, no fresh water, and no fucking window to open. so, it's a bit of annoyance when flapjack farts and stinks up my berth, and it's a really big fucking deal when somebody gets sick.

especially when that disease is the god damn space monkey virus

i fucking love space monkeys. those little dicks jump on your shuttle, fucking start ripping cords out, banging on the panels, sneaking into hatches, shitting everywhere and jerking off like crazy. the fuckers mostly escaped from their natural habitat (some damn asteroid belt not somewhere) and hitched rides with early miners. tourists 'fell in love' with the little shit chuckers and now we can't get rid of them, they got some kind of pangalactic protection on 'em, lucky drunks... oh yea, they're drunks... i've personally seen one, a big fucker i named shitzilla, drink an entire barrel of moonshine. didn't faze the bastard. he's fucking awesome, i see him from time-to-time. good to drink with and won't start up with the pointless chatter.

so we've all known about these monkeys for a while now. just after the virus starting spreading around the station, i read an article which blew my fucking mind... it asserted that the space monkeys weren't the only thing that the miners brought back with 'em out on the belt, and the miners starting having sex with the monkeys, and the virus passed from them to us.

i'm not one to judge, but you gotta be pretty fucking lonely if your options are to either bang:
a) your hand
b) a fellow miner
c) that weird alien monkey you just discovered and no one had ever seen before

what's's weird about all this is that i know a lot of miners, and i can tell you most of them would way rather fuck each other than fuck a monkey, no matter how shiny its coat might be, or long it could hold its breath...

the truth is, this fucking space monkey virus only showed up after that fancy ship docked here a little while ago.

now, intrepid reader, hazard a guess which port the fancy ship, with its fancy spaceman, with their fancy pedigrees and fancy leotards happened to call at just before it came to our wreck?

clever little space monkey!!!! you got it: the fucking asteroid belt where the little bastard monkeys come from...

it's not the miners fucking the monkeys... it's your tax money (i ain't paying 'em) hard at work, letting rich kids cruise around space and fuck space monkeys. ain't democracy grand?

1 comment:

  1. Apparently having sex with chickens is fun as well...just grab yourself a chicken, cut its head off and then stick your dick in it and watch it flap around dying on your dick - chicken fucker


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